The Tale of Sir Weller's Tumorous Tatas
by ShinyShimaron
Summary: Yuuri enters Shin Makoku to find that Conrad has breast cancer! Oh no! Can Yuuri and his friends find a cure for Conrad? Will they learn an important lesson along the way? Can Conrad's boobs be saved? Written for Breast Cancer Awareness Month.
1. Conrad's Boobs

**The Legend of Sir Weller's Tumorous Tatas**

**Summary:** Yuuri enters Shin Makoku to find that Conrad has breast cancer! Oh no! Can Yuuri and his friends find a cure for Conrad? Will they learn an important lesson along the way? Can Conrad's boobs be saved? Written for Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

**Warnings: **General type of violence seen in the show, talk of breast cancer/medical jargon.**  
**

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the characters of Kyou Kara Maou.**  
**

**Author's Note: **October is the international Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Did you know that breast cancer is the second most deadly cancer among women in the United States? Hah! You sure do now! I decided to write this humorous fic in honor of the brave women in my family and my friends' families who have gone through this and beaten it with laughter. I am very proud of them and their strength. This fic does not make fun of people with cancer, but simply reflects some of the humor we have used to help us get through it. Be like Conrad. Kick cancer in the BALLS. I'd like to thank cancer dot org and other informational websites for supplying much of the information found in this fic concerning breast cancer. This fic consists of four chapters, each of which will be posted once a week this month. It also parodies several other tropes I tend to see in the KKM fandom. I do not own these characters.

**Chapter 1: Conrad's Boobs**

Yuuri woke up. It was another normal, average day, but he was dreading going to school. In fact, he was dreading going out the door. It seemed that recently more and more long-lost friends from his childhood were inexplicably showing up in his class, or at his door, and barely-known family members that he was apparently best friends with at the age of three were calling his number. Everyone suddenly wanted to be friends with him, to know his inner dealings. Yuuri was sick of it!

He got ready for school as he always did, ignoring his mom going on about his long-lost American cousin Jennitrix Pleasemebyfriend or whatever, and headed to the door. Standing outside was Murata!

"Shibuya," he said, "I think this is a good time to head back to the other world."

"Why?" said Yuuri. "We aren't supposed to go back until tomorrow."

Murata flashed a nervous smile and stepped aside to reveal a teenage girl. She had long, raven hair hanging down to her feet, and green eyes that sparkled like green baby poop.

"Hello, Maou-heika," she said.

"What are you talking about? How do you know who I am?"

"I know everything about you! I am here to go to Shin Makoku with you and seduce you and all your friends! My name is Krystalynne Tsumikoshi-sama."

Yuuri winced, then pulled Murata inside the house.

"Do I have to?" he asked.

"Shibuya, this is like my one chance to get laid!" said Murata.

Yuuri thought hard about it for a minute. But since the thought of Murata being the one getting hard didn't get him hard, he decided against letting Miss What's-her-face come to Shin Makoku.

"Let's go, Murata, just you and me," he said, pulling on his friend's shirt and running towards the bathroom.

"Wait!" shrieked Krystalynne-sama, "I'm coming too!"

Screaming, Yuuri and Murata ran as fast as they could towards the bathroom. They entered it and slammed the door, locking it. Turning around, Yuuri went to jump into the tub… but it was empty!

"Why don't we just keep this thing full all the time!" asked Yuuri in a panic. Krystalynne-sama started banging at the door, screaming in her perfect melodic voice.

"Mosquitoes, Shibuya. Bathtubs are breeding grounds for them. You don't want to catch malaria, do you?" Yuuri started filling up the tub, looking frantically behind him as the crazed teenage girl began to break to down the door.

"It is my destiny to come with you! I WANT GWENDAL TO FALL IN LOVE WITH MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" she shrieked.

"That's enough, that's enough!" cried Murata, and they both launched themselves into the tub, just as the door finally collapsed and Krystallynne-sama burst through.

"Oh no you don't!" she shrieked, grabbing Yuuri's heel.

"Noooooooo!" he cried as he fell down the drain to his magical world.

All three of them sat up in the fountain of Shinou's Temple.

"Whee, I made it!" said Krystalynne-sama. "Now I can work my magic!"

"Yuuri!" cried Wolfram, running up to the fountain. "Who is this trollop?" Yuuri got an idea.

"WOLFRAM!" he yelled, swimming desperately for the edge of the fountain, "She won't stop hitting on me! She wants to replace you as my fiancé! Protect me!"

Wolfram's eye twitched. Then he launched himself into the fountain, beating Krystalynne-sama with the butt of his sword. Yuuri, Murata, and Gunter stood outside of the fountain and laughed.

"Violence instigated by His Majesty is beautiful violence!" professed Gunter. Yuuri looked around.

"Hey, where is Conrad?" asked Yuuri, noticing his friend's absence. Wolfram stopped beating on Krystalynne-sama and blushed.

"Gisela is giving him a breast exam," he said.

"Oh, well- WHAT?"

* * *

"Yes," said Conrad dramatically, "It is my boobs. They are cancerous." Krystalynne-sama had been thrown in jail, and they were standing in Conrad's room around his bed.

"How can you tell?" asked Yuuri incredulously.

"I used magical mammography," said Gisela.

"You took a mammogram?"

"Yes, using majyutsu. It was invented by the demons, you know. The humans have their own version, called hoummography."

Yuuri facepalmed.

"So, how did you even find out you had breast cancer anyway?"

"Josak discovered it," said Conrad matter-of-factly.

"Oh, that's- wait, what? How did Josak find your breast cancer?" There was a pause.

"He snuck up on it, of course," said Conrad. Josak gave a wide grin.

"But Conrad doesn't even have boobs. How can he get cancer?"

"Everyone has boobs," said Gisela. "Why don't you tell us what you have learned about breast cancer so far?" she asked, turning to Conrad.

Conrad held up a clenched fist dramatically as he explained his dire situation.

"Symptoms of breast cancer include swelling of the breast, dimpled or puckered skin, inverted nipples, and discharge from the nipples. The most common sign of breast cancer, however, is a cancerous tumor, which can often be discovered through regular breast exams. Infiltrating ductal carcinoma is the most common form of breast cancer in both women and men. Cancerous cells lining the ducts of the breast multiply and spread to other parts of the breast. Everyone can take steps to prevent the spread of breast cancer. Women over the age of twenty can give themselves a breast exam monthly. Women over the age of forty should obtain yearly mammograms to discover this condition early so that it may be treated."

"Some men and women are genetically predisposed to get breast cancer. The size of the breasts increases the risk of having the disease as well," added Gisela.

"I am so sorry," said Lady Cheri, "I am afraid my massive boobs have genetically imposed this on you."

Conrad dramatically unclenched his fist. His dramatic speech was over. Everyone stared in awe at the dramatic aura which surrounded them.

"Bummer about your boobs, Conrad," said Yuuri. "Isn't there something we can do to cure you?"

"Never fear, Your Majesty," said a voice from the doorway. Everyone turned around.

"Cancer is nothing when it has Anissina the Poison Lady as its enemy!"

They were doomed.


	2. Can Anissina Cure Conrad?

**2. Can Anissina Cure Conrad?**

"So… Anissina… What can we do about Conrad's predicament?" asked Yuuri nervously.

Anissina smiled a mischievous smile.

"Come along, Your Majesty! I might just have an invention for this!" she grabbed Conrad by the arm and pulled him out of bed, leading him towards her laboratory.

"Gwendal! You come too!" Gwendal winced.

Everyone gathered in Anissina's laboratory, both eager and slightly scared to see what she had planned. Murata pushed his glasses up on his nose.

"On Earth, a common procedure used to drain cysts is an Ultrasound-Guided Breast Cyst Aspiration."

"How does it work?" asked Yuuri.

"First the patient lies down on the medical bed," said Anissina, grabbing Conrad and pushing him down on the table. "Now we must find the location of the cyst inside of his breast tissue. For this we will need…" she whipped a cloth off of a machine.

"… the I-See-Your-Boob-Tumor-Master-3000!" Everyone oohed and aaahed.

"Gwendal, please power the machine for us." Gwendal mounted the machine-powering bike, grumbling. Anissina moved the machine so it was hovering over Conrad's chest, searching for the cancerous cells.

"Now, after finding the location of the cyst, I will insert a magical demon needle into the tissue and extract the fluid until the cyst collapses."

Yuuri peered in close as she attempted to extract the cyst.

"Then what?"

"You put a band-aid on it!" she said, whipping a pink band-aid from her pocket.

"Is it a magic band-aid?"

"No. Gwendal! Pedal faster!" Gwendal looked down and did his best to power the machine. Soon it began beeping wildly.

"My brilliant machine has located the boob-tumor!" Anissina cried with glee, whipping out her magical demon needle. She then stabbed Conrad in the chest with it violently. Conrad didn't flinch, because he is the son of Chuck Norris.

"Well, Conrad, did it cure your cancer?" asked Yuuri. Once Anissina had finished the extraction.

"No, I can still feel it squirming around in there." Conrad replied.

"Then this experiment has been…" started Wolfram...

"A FAILURE!" cried Anissina happily. "Now we may try something else." Gwendal groaned.

"Do not complain, Gwendal. I do not need your services for now." Gwendal dismounted from the bike. Anissina rummaged through a closet.

"A-ha!" she said, pulling out a bag of liquid.

"What is that?" asked Wolfram.

"This is one of my more brilliant inventions… the I-kill-fast-growing-cells-or-your-money-back-master-7000!"

"Ah," said Murata. "Magical chemotherapy." Anissina threw the magical bag of liquid on the table and produced a needle.

"Are you sure that's sanitary?" Yuuri asked.

"Of course, I keep all of my instruments clean. Do you doubt my methods?" she said sharply.

Yuuri gulped. "Of course not." Anissina attached the needle to the I-kill-fast-growing-cells-or-your-money-back-master-7000 and stuck the needle in Conrad's arm. The chemicals entered his system. Everyone waited.

"Is his hair gonna fall out?" asked Yuuri.

Gunter's hands rose to his mouth in shock. "Not Conrad's beautiful brown locks!"

Anissina rolled her eyes. "Of course not. That would only occur with my Shiny-Baldifier-5000!" She pointed to an odd egg-shaped machine across the room. "As you can see, I have perfected the model. It completely removes the hair of anyone who places the machine on his or her head." She gestured at Dorcas, who frowned.

Wolfram folded his arms. "How long is this supposed to take?"

"About a month."

"What?" Conrad sat up and yanked the needle out of his arm. "I don't have that kind of time. Let's try something else." Anissina handed him yet another pink bandaid.

"The I-kill-fast-growing-cells-or-your-money-back-master-7000 is a slow-working invention… soldiers who are needed by the country do not have the kind of time to use it. Therefore, this invention is…"

"A failure, we get it." Yuuri said. There was a pause.

"A FAILURE!" Anissina yelled anyway, relishing the moment. Gunter sighed and sat down.

Hours later, everyone was exhausted. Conrad was covered in pink bandaids, and his breast cancer hadn't been cured.

"What are we going to do now?" asked Wolfram. "I bet if stupid Conrad wasn't half-human he wouldn't even have gotten breast cancer."

"Now now, Wolfram, Conrad's race has nothing to do with it," admonished Gunter.

"Actually, humans have a 4% higher chance to develop breast cancer than humans," Gisela helpfully corrected.

"THAT'S IT!" cried Yuuri, springing to his feet. Everyone looked at him.

"I know how to cure Conrad's breast cancer!"


	3. A Race for the Cure

**A Race for the Cure**

It was mid-afternoon. A large crowd had gathered in the castle courtyard to hear the Maou's announcement.

"Is he going to raise our taxes?" asked one demon.

"Or lower them!" said another.

"Or maybe even _keep them the same_," said the third.

"He wouldn't make an announcement if he was going to do that, moron. Stop trying to hang with us," said the first. Yuuri mounted the stage.

"Hades and gentledemons, I have made a decree!" Everyone leaned in close to listen.

"I declare this day… to be National Save Conrad's Boobies day!" Everyone scratched their heads in confusion.

"Come on, you guys," said Yuuri, "we do this all the time back on Earth. You just get a huge crowd together, wear pink, have a race, and suddenly a bunch of breast cancer is cured!"

"Uh, Shibuya…" Murata started.

"King Yuuri must be right!" shouted the demons. "Running DOES cure cancer! All hail the Maou!" Yuuri beamed.

"I wonder how he's made it this far in school thinking that," said Murata, scratching his head.

"Come on, Your Highness, if it's His Majesty, he has to know what he's doing," Josak's voice floated in from behind him. Murata whirled around to see Shin Makoku's sluttiest ginger. He was wearing pink jogging clothes with a matching bow on his head.

"What, you didn't dress to run? That's too bad!" He sauntered over to the starting line, Murata trailing begrudgingly.

The contestants for the race lined up under the huge sign that read, "_Shin Makoku's Race for the Cure_."

"Where's Conrad?" asked Yuuri. "Doesn't he want to participate in the race?"

"For some reason he didn't want to be seen in public today," grunted Gwendal, looking up at the picture Wolfram had drawn of Conrad's boobs.

"Ah, yes, he is probably overcome with emotion at our show of support," Yuuri absentmindedly fondled the fake band-aid covered breasts he was wearing.

"Are you ready, You Majesty?" asked Gunter, ready to start the race.

"Yeah! Let's cure some cancer!" Yuuri fist-pumped, then crouched down to begin.

"Ready… set… GO!" cried Gunter with a pretty swish of his arm. The race had begun!

Yuuri ran quickly down the path to the town. He wanted to be first to the finish line in order to show Conrad how important breast cancer awareness was to him.

"Heikaaaaaa, wait up!" came the call from behind as Josak trailed him, "Where are we going anyway?" Yuuri had forgotten to plot a course!

"Uh… we're gonna run around the city!" he called.

"I have a better idea, Your Majesty," said Josak, "Let's do a figure-eight!"

"Hey, yeah! Then even our course will look like boobs!" This breast cancer was being defeated for sure!

After running for several minutes Yuuri realized that no one had passed him. He stole a glance behind him to see the entirety of the castle running behind him, making sure not to pass.

"What is wrong with you guys?" he shouted back at the runners. They gulped.

"Lord von Kleist told us not to beat you under penalty of death," said Dorcas helpfully.

Josak grinned. "I think I'll take a chance. Heikaaaaaa, try to catch me!" he yelled, running ahead waving his arms.

"Oh no you don't!" Yuuri sped up to catch him. They raced all the way to the finish, neck-and-neck. Who would win?

"Josak, look, don't you like that woman's shoes?" yelled Yuuri as they approached the finish line.

Josak stopped. "Your Majesty, I am offended that you somehow think my only interest I in such frivolities."

Yuuri stopped as well. "I'm sorry, Josak."

"They are really fabulous though." The entirety of Shin Makoku had stopped to admire the lady's shoes.

"Oh, Your Majesty, you forgot to cross the finish line!" Yuuri glanced over.

"Oh yeah, the race." He stepped over as everyone burst into applause. Gunter approached him in tears.

"His beautiful Majesty is faster than any other! Oh, how He glides like a gazelle across the land! Truly we have been blessed-"

"Shut up, Gunter, I wanna go see if Conrad's boobs have been cured." And Yuuri strode towards the castle, victory assured.


	4. The Thrilling Conclusion

**The Thrilling Conclusion**

The gang ran through the castle to check on the status of Conrad's breasts.

"Well, Conrad," said Yuuri, running up to his friend. "Did our run cure your breast cancer?"

"Nope," said Conrad.

Yuuri sighed. "Truly, my world view had been shattered. All that I have known, have believed, gone in an instant. But what is one to do? Should I resign from my post and become a hermit? Leave this castle and become better acquainted with the ways of the wor-"

"I cured my own breast cancer!"

"Yay!" cheered Yuuri, dancing in a circle, arms waving.

"But how?" gasped Gunter.

"It is simple. I just squeezed my perfect pectoral muscles and the cancer popped out of my breasts. I put it in this jar." He held up the jar and smiled suavely.

"Ooooooh," said Yuuri, looking at the jar intently.

Suddenly, Wolfram entered the room.

"Wolfram!" said Yuuri. "Where have you been all this time?"

"I was kidnapped and then I got pregnant," said Wolfram, holding his baby-belly.

"Again?" asked Yuuri incredulously. "What, is this number four? What are you going to name it?"

Wolfram looked down at his belly lovingly. "_Adenocarcinoma_." Everyone clapped in approval.

"Well," asked Murata, "Are there any other plot holes that need to be filled before we go back home?"

"There's that chick you threw in jail," grunted Gwendal.

"Oh, right!" exclaimed Yuuri. "We need to deal with her."

"Why not just take her back with you?" asked pregnant Wolfram.

"Because then she'll just stalk me till the end of time!"

"Your Highness, can't you think of a solution?" asked Conrad dully as he looked lovingly at the jar containing his boob cancer.

Murata smiled. "I just might know what to do."

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed What's-Her-Face-sama as the prison-guards hauled her to the ship. "YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!"

"My, Your Highness, you have outdone yourself," said Gunter with a smile.

"Yeah! I never would have thought of sending her to be Saralegui's consort!" Yuuri exclaimed.

"I can't be Saralegui's consort! Don't you understand? _We will never have magical babies._" One of the soldiers stuffed a glass bear-bee in her mouth and threw her on the ship. Everyone laughed.

"Well, I guess all's well that ends well, right?" asked Conrad. "By the way, Your Majesty, while you were racing I discovered that I have five penises!"

"Sweet Jesus, man, how do your pants fit?" asked pregnant Wolfram.

Conrad flashed a smile. "Like a glove."

Yuuri's eyes narrowed. "I wish you had died."

Back in Conrad's room, Josak was cleaning up dressed in his maid's outfit. As he opened a drawer, he saw the jar of cancer within it. It was looking at him. He looked at it. It looked at him. Both of their eyes' narrowed.

Josak grabbed his boob and ran screaming from the room, terrified. And _that_, my friends, is something like a thrilling conclusion.


End file.
